Beers and Beards

Book 2: Chapter 43: The Rules Arrive

I went to bed absolutely exhausted, as the past month of stress and worry all came crashing down at once. I slept the dreamless sleep of the weary, but woke up refreshed and raring to go.

It was the first day of the Octamillenial Brewing contest. And we were in.

WE WERE IN!!!

Annie and I called everyone onto the brewfloor to take stock and prepare. We now had enough workers that the room was actually a tad noisy. I closed my eyes and let the sound wash over me. Zirce and Emma bantering with Johnsson and Kirk. Aqua and Annie discussing finances. Markus and Moony patiently listening to Richter wax poetic on his latest studies. It was a happy sound, and it reminded me so much of the best days at Beavermoose Brewery. Everyone doing what they loved and working hard.

I hollered to catch everyone’s attention. “Good Mornin’ everyone, where are my dwarfies at! I see Annie, Zirce, Emma, Johnsson, Richter, Markus, Moony, Aqua, and of course, meself.” I proudly puffed out my barrel chest. “John and Tom and Jeremiah and Balin are our final four, but they aren’t present and/or have retired. Have I missed anyone? No? Then it’s time to share tha big - !”

*Meeeeh* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat Interruption] “How could you not have eyes for me!”

“I mean, and of course, Penelope.”

*Beep**Whistle*

I deflated. “And Georgie… anyone else? No? Sigh. The moment is lost. And how does Georgie even know what we’re talkin’ about? I thought he only followed basic instructions.”

“He isn’t, you’re just in his way.” Aqua snickered.

“Oh, sorry.”

I stepped aside and the boxy bronze golem wheeled past carrying some crates of bottles. It gave a cheery *boop* as it did so.

“I’m so glad that Georgie’s back.” Aqua squealed.

Richter and Johnsson nodded vigorously.

“He does brighten up the place.” Annie agreed, while reaching out to buff his outer shell. “You’re a great golem, aren’t you Georgie?”

The golem ignored her and continued his work.

I ahemed. “Alright! Here’s tha deal! We’ve been given the rules fer the Minnova portion of tha contest!”

“Are you goin’ to tell us, or keep us in suspense?” Zirce complained.

“Ooooh, like with those satin ropes Annie got shipped in?” Emma nodded. “I wonderwhat those were for?”

Annie choked and Aqua’s eyes bugged out. Kirk had the misfortune of laughing. My higher Charisma actually made it pretty easy

to keep my own chuckle down to a whoof of air.

I continued while Annie jumped up and hammered a fist into Kirk’s gut. “The contest rules were shipped to all the contestants this morning. They arrived via [Courier], and heeeere they are!”

I held aloft a pristine white envelope. Considering its import, it was pathetically small and unassuming; I\'d been expecting a stone tablet, or a golden placard.

With bated breath I tore the seal with my thumb and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I read it once for myself, then read it aloud.

“To you, Honourable Brewer, we present the following challenge. Brew a beer that captures the essence of what it means to be a dwarf. You must include a note detailing how your brew meets the criteria. All entries must be presented at the end of the month. The judges shall be announced exactly one week before the due date.”

“Huh.” Richter mused. “I was expectin’ sometin\' easy, like: ‘make da best brew you cahn’.”

I frowned. “There’s another bit at the bottom about how it’ll be presented. We need to send a single armoured goat in with a cask of brew.”

“Ah, like the traditional brewcarts to the mines.” Annie nodded.

“Are we sure this is right?” Johnsson asked. “Someone didn’t slip you a fake form? This doesn’t feel like the kind of contest your average [Brewer] could handle. It’s… almost asking for innovation.”

Annie was beaming over a collapsed Kirk. “It’s great! All these contests have absolutely shaken things up! The drinking contest, that odd cooking contest, and now this! I wonder if that’s the intent? Do we know who’s designing them?”

We all shook our heads, except for Richter. “I heard dat some minor nobles in tha capital were settin’ tha rules. Young folk, since tha older ones couldn’t be bothad. It may be dat these contests were meant ta tweak tha Greybeards.”

“Speaking of Greybeards, Moony and I are goin’ to go sit our old bones down. Maybe Bran’ll pour us a glass and feed us.” Markus called as he Moony made their way out to the pub. “Call us when you want ta brew.”

“I heard some local nobility talking at the beardy parlour,” Johnsson piped in after they’d left. He pulled at his freshly straightened and highlighted beard. “They said the King is unhappy with the high nobility, so the provincial nobles are all flockin\' to Kinshasa to catch his eye. Maybe it\'s the King shaking things up?”

“What about if we put gold in it?” Zirce asked. “I can’t think of anythin’ that ‘captures the essence of a dwarf’ more than gold ya’know!”

“I wish I could capture me an essence of dwarf.” Emma sighed, watching Johnsson stroked his beard. The two giggled.

“Gold is Gold,” Aqua agreed.

“I don’t think it’s enough.” I shrugged. “What’s the likelihood that of the eight contestants, all eight hand in a beer with gold in it?”

“Low, actually.” Annie replied. “I think that it’ll be a regular True Brew from everyone, except maybe Master Drum. Even though the wording implies making something new, I suspect most will say ‘The Sacred Brew is the essence of a dwarf\'” She puffed out her chest as she spoke in her best imitation of a stodgy Master Brewer.

“Who are we competing against, anyways?” Kirk asked.

“There are a total of eight breweries in the contest. They\'re: The Full Cask, Ruddy Bloodbrews, The Rusty Battleaxe, Moon Over Minnova, Drunken Duck Brewery, Faultless Brews, and Crackin’ Brews.”

“That’s Master Caskitt, Master Rudd, Master Drum, Master Icewhite, Master Cimon, Master Fault, and Master Crackle, in order.” Annie finished.

“I want to see the look on Topaz Caskitt’s face when we crush her.” Aqua hissed. “That [Brewer] always rubbed me the wrong way.”

Richter was helping Kirk back to his feet, but paused to ask a question. “So, what’ah we doin’ if not tha gold idea?”

“Our old idea, actually,” I answered with a smug tone.

I received blank stares all round.

“Remember when Raspberrysyrup was here, and we were talking about the plan for her to act as a celebrity spokesgnome?We got sidetracked with the Barista Brew, but-”

Annie stood rigid. “The Liquid Gold!”

I smiled wide at her. “That’s right! This is the perfect time to try, and it’s an unparalleled launch opportunity. Imagine, kicking off Liquid Gold as ‘the brew that captures the essence of a dwarf’! Plus, it\'s a cross between True Brew and Light Brew, so it’s like drinking both brews at once!”

“Will there be enough time, though? From speaking to other Brewers, Light Brew takes a long time to ferment. We only have one month.”

“That’s the best part! It ferments like an ale, just at the temperature of a lager. It’ll only take a week, which will give us plenty of time to perfect it. We’ll be able to try at least sixteen batches, and can use the perfect one! If we’re lucky we’ll have enough to even launch it with the Barista Brew!”

“Will that be enough to win the contest?” Zirce asked, looking skeptical.

“Nope, which is why I’ve prepared my secret weapon! Tadah!!” I pulled a vial from my pocket and held it aloft like Indiana Jones presenting the lost macguffin of Atlantic city.

The vial contained an amber liquid that was so transparent it shone. Light from the bright solstones above the brewroom poured through it, creating a reddish-brown pattern on the floor beneath me. A few bubbles slid up the inside of the bottle as I gently shook it, causing the pattern to resolve into a dancing series of waves.

“What is that!?” Aqua asked, leaning in until her eyes were right up against the vial. “Is that - “

“It’s BEER!” I declared. “New Brew to be precise!”

“NOI!” Everyone else shouted.

“That’s impossible!” Aqua hissed. “It glitters like gold!”

“Oooh, it’s shiny.” Emma cooed.

“Neat!” Kirk exclaimed. “Looks kind of like fizzy whiskey!”

“It’s beautiful.” Johnsson whispered, his fingers reaching for the vial. I pulled it back before he could snatch it. I’d seen enough miners grab gems and gold like that at the Minnova Reform Mine to have learned my lesson.

Annie had parked next to Aqua, and the pair were giving the vial goo-goo eyes. “Pete, I thought the hopback and the cold break were already enough. They made the beer so clear you could almost see through it. But this is something else. What did you DO?”

“This is what happens when you clarify beer.” I grinned.

“Clarify?” Aqua asked, poking the vial.

“It means making an Aether clear. By removing any Matter in it.” Annie muttered. “Bran does it with butter to make the vegetable dish you actually like. Surely you didn’t just boil this, Pete?”

“Actually, there’s a [Celebrated Gaffer] in Minnova with the [Clarify Mixture] Ability. He’s well known for making the clearest glass. Whistlemop found him for me.” I shrugged.

Annie shook her head sadly. “Are you planning to hire him? I can’t imagine an [Artisan] that worked hard enough to become a twice Specialised [Gaffer] would be interested in changing careers.”

“Actually, thanks to Balin we finally have a way to do it en-mass.”

A look of horror passed over Aqua’s face. Her blue beard actually bristled. “You can’t be talking about - “

“That’s right! The isinglass from the corpsejelly! It’s a clarifying agent called a fining; we put it in the beer about half a week before we rack it. That or in the cask, I\'ll need to experiment with it. All finings have properties that allow them to flocculate - that is, bond and seperate out - the specific bits of matter that create haze. Isinglass is good at flocculating yeasts, lipids, and proteins, so it’ll help clarify our gnomish hefeweizens too! It\'s also a preservative, so our beers will last for weeks or months instead of days! With this stuff in our corner, everything’s gonna turn out just fine!”

Everyone groaned.

“No, no! Hear me out! I ran it past Alchemist Black late last night. Do you know what he said?”

There was a moment of silence as everyone waited for my answer. After a beat Aqua sighed and asked, “what?”

“‘Why are you botherin’ me at this hour, Pete.’ THEN he said that he knew some [Alchemists] in Kinshasa that use it in their potions as a preservative! Most local alchemists just don’t use it cause it’s cheaper without. It’s already a well-known and safe ingredient, and it gets so processed that it’s completely unrecognizable from that smelly gooey jelly gunk!”

“Ugh, why did I ask? Still, will anyone drink it if they don’t need to literally save their life?” Aqua grumbled.

“Listen, you all drink goat’s milk. Do you ever think hard about where that comes from?”

Everyone looked over to Penelope.

She stared back harder, daring anyone to say anything, then flicked her tail at the attention.

*Meeeeeeeh* [Translated From Primma Donna Goat] “Perverts.”

“Plus, nobody even needs to know. The ingredients in the bittering agent are still a secret. For all you know it contains monster droppings.” I pointed an accusing finger at Annie.

“It doesn’t contain monster shit.” Annie snapped. I pulled out my notebook and crossed ‘monster droppings’ from my list of possible bittering ingredients. It had been one of my first guesses.

Annie glared at me, then her face turned contemplative. “You know… I think Pete’s right. If we have a beer the colour of gold that GLITTERS like gold, and tastes like a cross between True Brew and Light Brew? That may actually win. And he’s right, nobody needs to know the secret ingredients. And if everyone falls in love with our Liquid Gold, it won’t matter if they do find out.”

“Can I try it?” Johnsson asked, still trying to snatch the vial away.

“Nah, I poured it from an unfinished tank. Plus it’s in this,” I flicked the vial with my finger, which made a ringing sound, “so you know what that means.”

“What?”

“It’ll taste vile.”

Richter, Annie, and Aqua smiled and nodded. Zirce and Emma laughed. Johnsson and Kirk groaned.

Eh, four out of seven ain’t half bad! That was more than half! I was on a roll tonight!

*Bleeeh!!!* *Bloopp.*

Alright, four out of nine. Sigh.